Strong?

I visited my best mate who had her baby 2 weeks ago today. He is a major cutie. She told me about her friend who is pregnant age 37...i'm happy for her because she's older and it's her first. ( she only got married last summer ). Anyway I was feeling ok. I rang my clinic this morning and left a message asking someone to call me to work out dates for the transfer. Did I get a call back? No.

On my way home I called DH, no answer. I called him again, no answer. I wanted to know what he wanted for dinner. The pressure started to build....urrrgh....
1. visiting a friend who had baby
2. Holding baby
3. Hearing of yet ANOTHER pregnancy
4. DH not answering phone.
5. No call from clinic

All of this equals MELTDOWN!!!!!!!

By the time I got home, my bottom lip was starting to wobble.
DH was home, I started making dinner immediately. Tears started to flow, pain bubbling up inside ---- jealousy, anger, resentment, hurt, anguish.....pain, sheer pain.

DH hugged me,he understood. He took over dinner. I felt better once I let it all out.

Best friend texted me saying how well I looked earlier and how strong I was......STRONG?????? Little does she know....

Slightly peeved!

The nurse in the clinic was meant to call me this week to arrange dates for transfer. No call at all by Friday. Now I know this nurse only works Wed/Thurs/Fri so I won't get a call till at least Wednesday. Urrrrgh. I wanted to put dates into my diary and make plans. I will call the clinic on Monday to see if another nurse can sort out dates. Not sure whether to say anything to my boss or just call in sick for the 2 days (transfer day and day after).

My "plan" didn't go too well this week. I had such bad period pains during AF, that I was eating painkillers which ended up keeping me awake at night...due to pain and codeine!! So I had no energy to do anything! Anyway next week will be better.

I heard some fab news about neighbours of ours. They are in their early 40's and are married about five years. They are pregnant!!! I am over the moon for them. I actually think it's the first pregnancy announcement that I have been GENUINELY happy about. That doesn't say much about me I know.

DH is away on a stag...such a fab weekend to be away...sun is splitting the trees! I've been staying with my mam and dad just for a catch up. I think we all had a bottle of wine each last night....feeling a bit hazy today! Nice to be looked after for a change.

That's all from me for the mo!

Plan

Well I'm feeling a lot better today. My RE rang me today and we talked about what possibly went wrong. She said she was actually shocked to hear that the cycle didn't work out.

I asked her about transferring on day 17 as opposed to day 21. She said we'd go with day 17 next time. She said she'd give me something to prevent cramping before the transfer. She also said that ifi do have cramping before the transfer, that we would cancel. So why didn't they cancel this time then???? Anyway I don't know what was going on with my body because on day 15 I started getting my usual dull achiness before cramps.

She said I can start BCPs this week with my period. (yay!!) The nurse will call me this week to work out a schedule. So the transfer will be in May.

So I feel happy now to be moving forward. The thought of having a month in limbo wasn't pleasing me! Although if they felt I should wait a month, I would have.

Onwards and upwards!

Sad

I felt sad today...sad about the bfn, sad about having to do IVF, sad about previous miscarriage, sad about DH being so down....just sad.
But, I kept it together today...I was busy, barely sat down for five minutes. But every spare second I had, I just felt lost. Everyone else in work was just getting on with their normal lives, little did they know how I felt. Well one person did, my good friend who is really like a second mother to me.
When I got home from work, DH was home. Yes he was sad too. The good thing though was that he talked about it. He really believed that this FET would just work. Anyway talking helped. I made dinner and we had a lovely dessert...sticky toffee pudding.....yum! That cheered DH up a little.

I also rang the clinic this morning to arrange a phone consultant with my RE. She is gonna ring me tomorrow after 3 pm. I have a list of questions for her:

1. What quality were the embryos?
2. The first FET transfer was on cd 17, the 2nd was cd 21... Why? I think cd 17 is better?
3. Should we go for assisted hatching?
4. Why cramping  before transfer?
5. What can be done differently to make sure it works?
6. Can I start bcp straight away and start FET next AF?
7. I got intralipids  9 days before transfer...did this have an effect on implantation? Should they have been given 7 days before transfer.

I really hope she can answer these questions.

I'm just waiting on AF to arrive...pains are starting to increase. I didn't sleep well last night so planning to go to bed early tonight and sleep solidly

Gonna enjoy a glass of red wine too!!!! Tomorrow should be a better day!

Thank you

Thank you to everyone who left a comment....really great to know I am not alone on this journey. I'm gonna spend the next couple of weeks trying to improve my fitness and tone up. I think I will rejoin my gym and aim to get there 3 times a week. I think I invested too much energy into this FET cycle - I did a lot of WAITING and WISHING TIME AWAY waiting for the transfer. The next one, I want to be focused something else (me, fitness, friends...a life basically!!!!) So I plan to do the following things:

1. Gym 3 times a week
2. Eat healthy food...not extreme just balanced
3. Spend more time with friends
4. Get out into fresh air as much as possible.
5. Have fun with DH
6. Do not put life on hold!!!
7. No more wishing time away.

Also I am determined that the next cycle WILL WORK! It just is!

News sinking in

I really thought I'd get a bfp this morning. First time I ever thought that. Myself a DH went on a two hike this afternoon just to clear our heads. We decided that I'll arrange a phone consult with our doctor this week. I really feel that the transfer was a little too late in the cycle so I want to investigate this further. I would also like to start straight into another FET cycle- as in start bcp's when AF arrives this week. However I think the clinic generally make patients wait a month. We'll see.
I've been crying on and off ALL day. DH is sooooo down in the dumps that it is literally breaking my heart seeing him like this. I'm trying to be positive and practical. IVF takes patience and perseverance. We have 6 blasts left to use. One of them has to work, we just need to keep pushing forward. To be honest if we get one baby out of this, I'll be content and that will be it. I always dreamt of having at least three kids, but this journey is too difficult. I don't want to spend the next ten years chasing another BFP.
I hope DH comes round a bit tomorrow....he's 100% entitled to feel how he feels and I wouldn't undermine that but I need him to be stronger and more positive.
Money is also a big issue....IVF has drained us financially (as well as emotionally).
I hope tomorrow brings renewed hope as I don't want to dwell on this bfn any further.

Anyway we picked up a McDonalds earlier to cheer us up...didn't work!!!

I came across a blog today were a girl had done an IVF cycle and about 3 FETs and finally the last one worked and she had beautiful twins as a result. It actually gave me an uplift.

Tomorrow is mother's day here in Ireland. Urrrrrgh!! I do have an amazing mother though who has been an amazing support through all our IF struggles. I know her heart is breaking for me today....that hurts me more than the bfn. Knowing that the people I care most about are hurting, kills me.

Anyway to anyone reading my blog, please leave a positive comment about IVF! We can inspire each other!!

BFN

Nothing else to say really.