Back to work!

Not much going on at the moment. I am back to work tomorrow after 2 months off!! (Perks of being a teacher).
For the past week or so I have been getting AF pains - sometimes very strong. Still no sign of AF. The sooner it comes, the sooner I can start on BCP in preparation for upcoming FET.

I have also been eating very well this past week - really want to drop 7 pounds. I "attempted" some exercise last week. I did some running in the local park. I literally could not do any other exercise for the rest of the week as I had strained my thighs!! Anyway I hope to get back walking next week. Much prefer that to running.

I must not lose sight of what I have learned this past month. Mainly that myself and DH need to invest in each other. I am thinking of organising a weekend away soon - possibly to Edinburgh in Scotland. Also I want to do the things that make me happy - meeting up with friends, watching funny movies, getting out and about, having a facial/massage etc.

That's all from me at to mo!

Decision Made!

Myself and DH went out for an impromptu dinner last night.  It was lovely, we had a great old chat. I told him that I have been feeling like I am leaning towards doing a FET as soon as possible. He agreed and we said "right decision made". Really happy with it. We had a few drinks -feeling worse for wear today but it was worth it!!

Couch to 5K?

Anybody hear of this before? Basically it's a guide to help you run 5k without stopping. It requires a commitment of 30 mins three times a week. It starts off with a combination of running and walking and over the course of about 8 weeks, it builds you up to run 5k non-stop. I'm gonna start this tomorrow. Hubby has the car today and I want to drive up to the local park to start rather than just running out on the street.

TTC - I'm leaning towards starting FET as soon as possible...yet no decisions made yet.

RE Follow-up

Well, I met with my RE on Monday. She was so lovely and caring, very compassionate. Anyway she answered my questions as best she could. But she had no real answers as to what happened. She said 60% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. She said there may or may not have been a connection between the blighted ovum and the missed miscarriage. She said that the next time around, I would get more scans and monitoring - she said there is research to say that TLC can help with a positive outcome.
I asked how soon can I do a FET? She said I can start on pill with next period and do the FET the following month.

So I am pleased that I can go ahead with treatment if we want to. We still have not made ANY decisions regarding this. I'm really unsure of what to do. Taking a break is an option but I don't know how I would feel not having a plan. So much of the infertility business is out of our control that if I can control something about it, I want to. If we take a break and in October I want to start treatment again - it gets us dangerously close to Christmas. Think I would like to start sooner. Anyway, no decisions made :)

I booked in for a hot stone full body massage for tomorrow! Wuhoo. Then am meeting friends for lunch! Lovely!

Moving on.

Tomorrow, myself and DH will head away for a few days break. We are meeting some great friends in a four star hotel - so can't wait.

How am I feeling? - Don't feel like crying at all which is great. Feeling a lot stronger. I'm in a kinda "live for the moment" type of mind which is great. I have 3 weeks until I go back to work and I want to pack as much in as I can.

I have a lot more energy back. When I was pregnant, I had ZERO energy - tiredness like I had never known!

Anyway I'll post again when I get back from my few days away - hopefully I'll have more thoughts of plans for the future when I get back.

To break or not to break...

That is the question.

So I am feeling MUCH better. I still have that deflated, life's a bit shit type of feeling but on the whole I'm feeling better. I think the key to starting to heal after a miscarriage is to talk, talk and talk more about it. I have talked indeptly to all my close friends, a counsellor, online forums, my husband, my mother and even to people who don't know me too well. It has really helped. I have also cried, cried and....cried some more. So by last Friday, I just didn't feel like crying anymore. I also kept a balance of being with people who care for me AND being on my own. If I had of kept too busy, I wouldn't have faced my demons and worked through my emotions. If I had of isolated myself and stayed on my own, I wouldn't have been able to make sense of what happened - talking helps the mind stay sane (I think).

This week, myself and DH are going away for a few nights with friends to a lovely country hotel by the sea, so looking forward to that.

Now this thing about the "break". DH and I have been talking a lot about the future, the immediate future ( the next few months). We said we will make no decisions this month. One of our options is to take a complete break from fertility treatment until January. So that we can enjoy the next few months and the run up to Christmas. (remember last Xmas was ruined due to blighted ovum). But the thing is, i do ovulate every month, and DH's sperm is not that bad (good count but lower than average motility and morph) but we NEVER managed to do it on our own. My question is: would we be really taking a break if at the back of our minds we are still hoping it might happen naturally?? The only way to truely take a break would be to use contraception....and that is NOT gonna happen!!!!

So I have no answers or decisions made at the moment. I'm going to see the counsellor again this week so might work through a few issues with her first.

Better Day

Yesterday was a tough day - I spent the morning crying, and I met with the counsellor at 2pm. She was very good - I cried a lot and we talked about the pressure I have been putting myself under to have a baby since we got married (3 yrs in Oct). Subconsciously, I hold a belief that I am a failure because I haven't had a baby. I didn't think I actually thought that about myself, but through talking to her, this came out. So the session was very heavy. It felt like I was in there for 10 minutes but I was an hour. I walked out in an absolute daze and had a MAJOR headache. I drove over to my 3 friends from work as I had planned to meet them after the session. I totally broke down (as usual) when I saw them, but then I was fine. We talked a bit about the miscarriage and then we talked about other unrelated things, even had a laugh.  When I got home, I spoke to another good friend on the phone and then my mother. DH played football, and when he got in, I talked some more with him! By the end of the day, I was wrecked.

Well today was a better day. I haven't cried today. I spent the morning in bed watching reality TV. Then DH came home from work at lunchtime. We had a lovely afternoon/evening together. I made sure to really look after him today - making lunch, cups of tea, lots of TLC. He had been so amazing to me since the horrible news last week, that he needed to be looked after today. He finally let himself go and he was exhausted, the week finally caught up with him. He was in bed by 9pm!! I think the counselling and all the emotions yesterday really helped. I obviously don't feel great but do feel a bit better.

Tomorrow night, we have a party to attend. Nothing too hectic, should be a laugh so I am looking forward to that. I plan to spend some quality time with DH tomorrow - want to just enjoy us being together.

Anyway thanks to everyone who has left a comment. It is amazing what a few words from ladies who know the pain of infertility can help. Thank you :)

Emotional

Every time I meet with a friend or talk to a friend on the phone, I just break down. After a few minutes, I start to feel a little better.

Yesterday I spent the whole day on my own and basically cried all day. When DH came home, I started to feel better.

Today I met my best friend. Initially I again broke down, but then we talked. We talked about the next coming few months. She thinks we should take time out, plan nice things to do, enjoy being married. On one hand I'd love to do that but on the other, I think I'd like to keep moving. We have 4 frozen embryos left and could push forward with another FET.

Anyway we are not going to make any decisions just yet, but it's nice to explore options.

Tomorrow I am going to meet with a counsellor. She works in the fertility clinic so is an expert in that area. I would like to work on why I put myself under so much pressure. Like I feel a sense of panic to have a baby. I am 30, so I have time I suppose, but I really thought I'd be having my second child by now. I'm also dreading more pregnancy announcements...dreading them.

I'm also meeting three work pals tomorrow so hopefully will be a good distraction.

Sigh....

My days so far

Its been 4 days since D&C. Just thought I'd share how the days have gone so far:

Thurs: found out baby had died at 12 wk scan. Mainly shock, crying.

Fri: D&C. Spent day is hospital. Not really crying.

Sat: morning a few tears. My mum called over, more tears but could talk and be logical, talked about future a bit. That evening, uncontrollable crying/sobbing.

Sun: bad morning, crying. Old friend called over, some tears, talked about it, she made me laugh. Didn't really cry rest of evening. DH was very quiet, brooding. This killed me. Sobbed before I went to sleep.

Mon: DH gone to work. Some tears in morning. Met friend again, talked. Called into my parents, some tears. Back home to DH. We talked a lot. Wrote down questions for our RE about what happened. Talked about either going again (we have 4 frozen embryos left to transfer) or taking a complete break until after Xmas. Made no decisions, just talked. We downloaded first 4 episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, new series- laughed watching them. Had little cry before bed.

Tues: here I am, alone. I booked appointment with re to discuss what happened. Also waiting on a counsellor to call to make an appointment. I feel like crying but can't. Don't know what to do today

Reality

Every time I wake up, reality hits me like a smack in the face. So painful.

Why did this happen to me? Did I not have my fair share of heart ache already...it think so.

Who's to say it won't happen again?